You have, unfortunately, stumbled into my specialty.
[He's literally a funeral director and grief counsellor, on top of the whole healer-and-reviver-of-occasional-dead business. This is his entire wheelhouse, and he is uniquely qualified.
He shifts a bit to sit next to Leonardo instead of in front of him, shoulder to shoulder, and curves his arm around the man.]
He won't need you to be a commander or a soldier for him. He may not even need you to be that strong. He'll need your love, your comfort, your understanding. I can't imagine that to be anything you'll have to force.
[Leonardo releases a slow breath, leaning heavily into Caduceus. The turtle is quiet as the other man speaks.]
Love I can always do. That's always easy to give Casey. [If there is one thing that can be said for Leonardo, it is his love for his son. For his family. There is a boundless love and dedication there.] I'd do anything for him.
[He closes his eyes just for a moment, soaking in the assurance and comfort. Quickly realizing that his eyes definitely hurt from the sobbing jag earlier.]
Thank you. [He offers softly back.] By the time he's back, I'll be able to take care of him. Make sure everything is okay as it can be.
You've got time. You don't need to rush this, it's important that you work through your feelings properly as well.
[Especially before Casey returns. He can't be wrestling with too much at once while still trying to care for a traumatized child, it'll make everything that much harder.]
[He's grieved so many times in his life, in theory it should be... easier? Even then, he didn't let himself linger in that feeling. He never had the time. There wasn't space for it. People needed him. He needed to pull himself together. But it feels daunting, grieving over Casey.
He would be the adult Casey needed. Right now, he just felt like a pathetic lump.]
I feel like an idiot asking 'how', but... how? Just, crying? Wallowing in the feeling? [He's going to just press his fingers against his closed eyelids, putting light pressure there.]
There's no singular method, that's what makes the journey yours. It's not a matter of what you're better at. Not what you're good at. It's what you need to continue being a person. You're not a machine, built only to function efficiently. People need to fall apart sometimes.
[In other words... it's okay to be a "pathetic lump", for a while. If he needs to.]
[Leonardo wishes there was some easy answer. Something he could bury himself in and do. Grief is never that easy. He's more than aware of that much. It still leaves him... feeling adrift.]
Be easier if I was a machine, one good whack, and I'd be good to go. [He jokes weakly back.] I'll... just let myself feel everything, and see where I end up.
[He sighs a little at the sound logic, but can't really argue that point. Everything needs care. Everyone.]
This feels like a pretty bad one, Caduceus. [That is as much push back as he can give.] I'm not going to pretend the grief isn't there. At this point, I can't.
I just... gotta keep reminding myself It's... not forever. My son will be back. He will be. [He thought he was all cried out, but his eyes sting briefly.] He has to be.
[Caduceus is glad he won't pretend; for a bit he'd been worried that might be the case. But he's letting it out now, and that's so very important.]
He will be. [On that, Caduceus will leave no room for doubt. This world, and the situation itself, has been cruel enough. They need a win after this, a kindness.] It doesn't make the grief in this moment feel any better, I know. What happened still happened, to both of you. But lean on that hope.
[The firmness in that belief helps make it feel more real, far more tangible than the uncertainty Leonardo is struggling against. He blinks again, pressing the butt of his real palm against one of his eyes. It doesn't do much to quell the tears that start to fall again.
This isn't the agonized grief from earlier. Certainly, there is grief, pain- but something a little more manageable given Leonardo actually let himself feel all of it instead of clamping down.]
Hope is a ninja's greatest weapon, so, I think- I can figure that out. Hold onto that.
[Maybe he's heard it from Casey before. But to hear it from Leonardo in this moment is especially impactful. He's glad of it, and that Leo's allowing the tears to fall. Both, so important.]
Hold onto that, until he's back, and then you can hold onto him.
[And right now, Caduceus can do a bit of holding on his part, so he doesn't feel alone.]
I'll keep holding on. All I can do now. Besides cry. [He laughs, the sound weak and a hoarse at best, before going quiet again. He doesn't try to stop the tears that do escape.
There is a certain realization Leonardo comes to as he sniffles softly. If he was alone, he would have just buried this feeling. Let himself cry briefly before forcing himself back together to be functional. If he was with Donnie, he would have to bottle it up harder, make sure he didn't make his twin uncomfortable.
Can he go back home to Donnie? Could he handle feeling alone again like that? His expression cycles between clear uncertainty, discomfort and exhaustion.]
I... I might ask if I could stay here, at least for a bit. A night, maybe.
Mm. [He won't draw much more attention to it - people rarely like having attention drawn to their tears or their grief, especially those vying to be strong despite it all - but he lightly pats Leonardo's back, at the top of his shell nearest his head. Seriously, get those tears out, buddy. As much as you need.
As for the request...]
I don't mind, you're welcome of course. But what about your brother?
[Surely he too will be grieving, once he knows the truth of what happened.]
[Leonardo can't hide the grimace that rises to the surface. Not like he could hide what he is feeling from Caduceus at this point anyway.]
I don't know what he's going to want or even need from me. [He says quietly back.] If I'm too emotional, he gets angry. He shuts down when anything emotional happens, and I don't... I don't know how to even help him anymore.
I... I, probably should stay with him. [He's going to wipe his eyes awkwardly now. He needs to be pulled together when he talks with Donnie.]
[Nor would he. What Leo should or shouldn't do is entirely up to him.]
You need to do what's best for you. If being here will help you more, then stay. I... suppose I'm more used to families mourning together. But if you'd do better apart, then take your time that way.
[All the progress Caduceus made in Leonardo letting himself come apart and open up seems to be disappearing. The turtle is scrubbing at his face with his hands. The gesture starts as gentle before a more frenetic edge settles in.
He is to just stop himself from crying. Leonardo is trying to emotionally close himself off. He let himself be vulnerable with Caduceus, but the idea of being this open to Donnie just makes his him feel jumbled. Would Donnie need him to be there? To care for him? Or would Donnie flee and hide away?
His mind is tumbling over options, as he drops his hands away from his face. The slack of letting himself breath is quickly turning into a tight ball of tension taking shape.]
I- Know you didn't say that. You wouldn't. I need to figure myself out. I need to make sure he's okay. [Putting the onus back on himself is easier than dealing with his own feelings.]
I don't know what he needs anymore, but, I- I need to figure that out.
[Caduceus reaches out to grasp Leonardo's hand again, trying to tug it from his face and stop that desperate, harmful scrubbing. He cuts in, gently but firmly,]
Leonardo. Breathe.
[He'll have more to say, but he needs the other to calm, and listen.]
[He doesn't fight against Caduceus grasp, grimacing a little at needing to be told to breath. Defensiveness sits at the cusp of insisting he's fine, nothing is wrong-
but he can't quite manage it. He opens his mouth, then closes it. His teeth clicking together audibly.
He forces himself to take one breath in, release it and repeat the cycle.]
M'breathing, I'm- [He bites his bottom lip for a moment before relaxing enough to be present.] I'm breathing.
[Caduceus takes that hand and, very gently, so calmly, spreads Leonardo's palm and rests it against his own chest, holding it there. Feel the way it rises and falls with each slow, sturdy breath. In, out. In, out. Give him something tangible to focus on, a pattern to follow. In, out. In, out. Breathe. Breathe.]
[It would be so easy to draw back, to hide from what Caduceus is doing. Some large parts of him wants to flee from the weight of everything. Maybe this kind of grief is what broke the other version of himself's spoon.
He focuses on the gentle rise and fall under his hand. He follows the pattern he feels under his fingertips.
In, out. In, out. In, out.
Leonardo's own heart rate slowly eases, the panic and guilt that had been building under the surface doesn't disappear, but it becomes less of an anchor trying to pull him down.]
[Caduceus keeps his hand there, waiting as Leonardo slowly settles down from that panicked high again. Once things are quiet, he speaks softly.]
You're mistaking what you need with what is expected of you. You don't need to figure this out for him. You don't need to determine what others want or need, either. You are not your brother's keeper.
[The only person he really needed to figure anything out for, or take care of, is currently dead (because that's what you do with children, you support them, you take care of them), or himself. Without one, he has to focus on the other.]
Would being with him, given the state of your relationship right now, make you or him feel worse? Because that's how it sounds.
[He manages to not outright sigh at that. Just tiredly mulling over the sentiment.]
It'd... make me feel worse. I should be over this by now. [He wants to feel normal with Donnie again. He had been starting to, but... this just threw everything out of wack.] I'll... I'll help him. I just don't know what to do.
There is no "should". Over this? Over what? The fact that you're both struggling? You can't bury that. You should not bury any of this.
[Every worst thing imaginable has happened to this man. He can hardly fathom it. At least in this world, there's a chance for reversal. But that doesn't change the pain, the experience of loss, temporary or otherwise.]
Reach out to him. See what he says. And then decide from there, depending on how you feel.
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[He's literally a funeral director and grief counsellor, on top of the whole healer-and-reviver-of-occasional-dead business. This is his entire wheelhouse, and he is uniquely qualified.
He shifts a bit to sit next to Leonardo instead of in front of him, shoulder to shoulder, and curves his arm around the man.]
He won't need you to be a commander or a soldier for him. He may not even need you to be that strong. He'll need your love, your comfort, your understanding. I can't imagine that to be anything you'll have to force.
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[Leonardo releases a slow breath, leaning heavily into Caduceus. The turtle is quiet as the other man speaks.]
Love I can always do. That's always easy to give Casey. [If there is one thing that can be said for Leonardo, it is his love for his son. For his family. There is a boundless love and dedication there.] I'd do anything for him.
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I know. And he knows it, too. Love is the most important part, so as long as you hold on to that, you'll be alright.
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Thank you. [He offers softly back.] By the time he's back, I'll be able to take care of him. Make sure everything is okay as it can be.
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[Especially before Casey returns. He can't be wrestling with too much at once while still trying to care for a traumatized child, it'll make everything that much harder.]
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He would be the adult Casey needed. Right now, he just felt like a pathetic lump.]
I feel like an idiot asking 'how', but... how? Just, crying? Wallowing in the feeling? [He's going to just press his fingers against his closed eyelids, putting light pressure there.]
I'm a lot better at being pulled together.
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[In other words... it's okay to be a "pathetic lump", for a while. If he needs to.]
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Be easier if I was a machine, one good whack, and I'd be good to go. [He jokes weakly back.] I'll... just let myself feel everything, and see where I end up.
[Answer of where he'll end up; so much crying.]
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[No man is an island, etc. etc.]
It's better to feel. In truth, there is no such thing as a bad emotion.
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This feels like a pretty bad one, Caduceus. [That is as much push back as he can give.] I'm not going to pretend the grief isn't there. At this point, I can't.
I just... gotta keep reminding myself It's... not forever. My son will be back. He will be. [He thought he was all cried out, but his eyes sting briefly.] He has to be.
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He will be. [On that, Caduceus will leave no room for doubt. This world, and the situation itself, has been cruel enough. They need a win after this, a kindness.] It doesn't make the grief in this moment feel any better, I know. What happened still happened, to both of you. But lean on that hope.
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This isn't the agonized grief from earlier. Certainly, there is grief, pain- but something a little more manageable given Leonardo actually let himself feel all of it instead of clamping down.]
Hope is a ninja's greatest weapon, so, I think- I can figure that out. Hold onto that.
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[Maybe he's heard it from Casey before. But to hear it from Leonardo in this moment is especially impactful. He's glad of it, and that Leo's allowing the tears to fall. Both, so important.]
Hold onto that, until he's back, and then you can hold onto him.
[And right now, Caduceus can do a bit of holding on his part, so he doesn't feel alone.]
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There is a certain realization Leonardo comes to as he sniffles softly. If he was alone, he would have just buried this feeling. Let himself cry briefly before forcing himself back together to be functional. If he was with Donnie, he would have to bottle it up harder, make sure he didn't make his twin uncomfortable.
Can he go back home to Donnie? Could he handle feeling alone again like that? His expression cycles between clear uncertainty, discomfort and exhaustion.]
I... I might ask if I could stay here, at least for a bit. A night, maybe.
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As for the request...]
I don't mind, you're welcome of course. But what about your brother?
[Surely he too will be grieving, once he knows the truth of what happened.]
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I don't know what he's going to want or even need from me. [He says quietly back.] If I'm too emotional, he gets angry. He shuts down when anything emotional happens, and I don't... I don't know how to even help him anymore.
I... I, probably should stay with him. [He's going to wipe his eyes awkwardly now. He needs to be pulled together when he talks with Donnie.]
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[Nor would he. What Leo should or shouldn't do is entirely up to him.]
You need to do what's best for you. If being here will help you more, then stay. I... suppose I'm more used to families mourning together. But if you'd do better apart, then take your time that way.
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He is to just stop himself from crying. Leonardo is trying to emotionally close himself off. He let himself be vulnerable with Caduceus, but the idea of being this open to Donnie just makes his him feel jumbled. Would Donnie need him to be there? To care for him? Or would Donnie flee and hide away?
His mind is tumbling over options, as he drops his hands away from his face. The slack of letting himself breath is quickly turning into a tight ball of tension taking shape.]
I- Know you didn't say that. You wouldn't. I need to figure myself out. I need to make sure he's okay. [Putting the onus back on himself is easier than dealing with his own feelings.]
I don't know what he needs anymore, but, I- I need to figure that out.
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Leonardo. Breathe.
[He'll have more to say, but he needs the other to calm, and listen.]
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but he can't quite manage it. He opens his mouth, then closes it. His teeth clicking together audibly.
He forces himself to take one breath in, release it and repeat the cycle.]
M'breathing, I'm- [He bites his bottom lip for a moment before relaxing enough to be present.] I'm breathing.
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He focuses on the gentle rise and fall under his hand. He follows the pattern he feels under his fingertips.
In, out. In, out. In, out.
Leonardo's own heart rate slowly eases, the panic and guilt that had been building under the surface doesn't disappear, but it becomes less of an anchor trying to pull him down.]
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You're mistaking what you need with what is expected of you. You don't need to figure this out for him. You don't need to determine what others want or need, either. You are not your brother's keeper.
[The only person he really needed to figure anything out for, or take care of, is currently dead (because that's what you do with children, you support them, you take care of them), or himself. Without one, he has to focus on the other.]
Would being with him, given the state of your relationship right now, make you or him feel worse? Because that's how it sounds.
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It'd... make me feel worse. I should be over this by now. [He wants to feel normal with Donnie again. He had been starting to, but... this just threw everything out of wack.] I'll... I'll help him. I just don't know what to do.
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[Every worst thing imaginable has happened to this man. He can hardly fathom it. At least in this world, there's a chance for reversal. But that doesn't change the pain, the experience of loss, temporary or otherwise.]
Reach out to him. See what he says. And then decide from there, depending on how you feel.
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